Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
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thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack