Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
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Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Shower sex be like:
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.