Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
You Might Also Like
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
If I ignore life will it go away?
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting