Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.

I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me

Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”

I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

peeping toms

This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

I never know how much to tip a cow.

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here

911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number

Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.

Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything

Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.

My kids: What’s a telephone cord?

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.