Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
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A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️