Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
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*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”