Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
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Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Finally
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
classic mixup
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.