Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.

Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.

Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”

Dr: You’ve gained some weight

Me: You said I should take it easy

Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick

Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER

Me: You want some cereal?

2 year-old: Yay cereal!

Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

2: Yay cinnamon crack!

Me: Ok-wait, what??

Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff

Me: like what?

8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension

Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother

8yo: what older brother?

Me: exactly!

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer

The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.

Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.

Live a little.

Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!

Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!

I wrote a book on penguins.

Honestly, it would have been much easier if I wrote it on paper.

Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.

Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.

[getting arrested for public nudity]

Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD

Me: …

Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD

90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position

It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.