Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.

Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people

When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.

Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?

4-year-old: No.

Me: Then where’d it go?

4: She sneezed and it exploded.

Sounds legit.

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

Getting drunk was invented by Big Text to make you send more texts

(after bedtime)

3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!

Me: go to sleep.

3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU

M: yes you can

3:NO I CAN’T

Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.

If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

me: [gets on one knee]

GF: [gasps]

me: [reaches into pocket]

GF: OMG

me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot

My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS

the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)

If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.

[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?

Me in super frilly tux: Nope

*Dog walks in also wearing tux*

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

God: go forth and multiply

Me: [bad at math] what

Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet

The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.