[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
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Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
A bed and breakfast with an oxygen bar. Call it an Air B&B.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.