Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.

Planet of the Apps.

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.

*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*

Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work

Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked

Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!

Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.

I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.

Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing

How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?

I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS

The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.

I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

When your teen is already bigger than you are…

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

me: can i borrow $100

friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it

me: oh i already have money for that

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.

me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself

her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon

My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.

If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

#Caturday

To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you

“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”

Crowd: “NEIGH!”

“Jesus Christ.”

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.

Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!

EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-

Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun