Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
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can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.