Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
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inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
my fav colour is also hitler
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.