Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
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imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Finally… My bills are washed, laundry is paid, clothes are baked and dinner is in the dryer… Adulting is tough, but I’ve got this!