Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
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dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.