Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
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(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.