Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

Stonehinge

Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!

Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger

me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

At a fried chicken place, looks delicious

Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.

If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”

Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”

Me: “Oh, boy.”

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.

bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out

I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.

“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.