Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
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*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh