@YayForJam

Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo

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@_NTFG_

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

@rachiecandice

I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.

@Trillburne

sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school

@KnownComment

Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.

@moooooog35

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?

@ArfMeasures

ME: *realises I’ve just stepped on an ant* oh no

JOHN WICK: Has anyone seen my pet ant?

ME: OH NO

@ThugRaccoons

Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.

@SimplySnaccbar

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

@Michael1979

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

@stonedcognition

These cat babies are straight up gangsta. I’m going to name them all after Friends characters. The one I hate will be Ross.