Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
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REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
😂😂
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo: