@YayForJam

Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo

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@ibid78

[math teacher] your homework looks like chicken scratch, but you got them all correct
[later at home] I think she’s on to us, mathmachicken

@Kids_kubed

Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?

Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?

Me: Divorce

@InigoUnleashed

‘Your place or mine?’

Is the sexiest response to the question:

‘Where shall we bury the body?’

@themiltron

[first day as a server]
me: how would u like your steak
person: well done
me: thank you that’s so kind it’s my first day & i’m very nervous

@seanforhire

i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways

@angibangie

The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…

-My best pickup line

@truegritrumble

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

@EllaZee5

Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]

Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go