Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo

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CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me


I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.


sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school


Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.


Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?


ME: *realises I’ve just stepped on an ant* oh no

JOHN WICK: Has anyone seen my pet ant?



Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.


13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.


VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me


These cat babies are straight up gangsta. I’m going to name them all after Friends characters. The one I hate will be Ross.