Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
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me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.