Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: can i see you in my office

me: [sheathing sword] why

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

Me: How was school?

Toddler: Candice has a different mom.

Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.

Every house has this drawer

I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.

very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids

He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.

My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.

Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?

Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.

Emperor: That sounds plausible.

Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!

Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*

Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!

Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist

I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.

Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.

I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more

[interview at Bass Pro Shops]

So, tell me a little about yourself.

Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!

I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.

me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg