Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.

when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows

[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”

*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.

girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.

Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

how do lawyers not cry when arguing

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof

Friend without kids: I’m so tired.

Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK

Is this your resume?

“Yep”

It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away

“Oh yes”

Welcome to UPS!

The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping

whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

“Do you have vegan options?”

“I’m a black belt in tofu!”

My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.

For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?

Me:

My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.