Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.

Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there

Really hoping this is Halloween related

Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie

Thinking about Jeff

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.

i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress

no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside

[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”

New modem

5yo: What is that?

Me: an alien detector

5: It has a glowing green light.

Me: means it found one.

5: It’s pointing right at you

Me *evil grin* I know

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face

Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.

everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.

[recovering from food poisoning]

Me: Finally feeling better

Leftovers in the fridge: You up?

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.