Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
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Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.