Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
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Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
just left a huge legacy in there
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
what’s the point then??
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.