Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.

When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house

drug dealer: who are you talking to

me: [lowering my voice] he knows

Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

me: what’s your favorite book

her: I love 1984

me: just pick one

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?

Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank

Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.

my boss: here’s your raise

me: thanks

my landlord: he was talking to me

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french

*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

Toddler: Because someone took my sock

Me: No one took your sock!

Toddler: Then where is it?!

Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity

I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.

If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”

Stop blaming others for your mistakes.

Study feng shui and blame the furniture

me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.

i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish