Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
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Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.