Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
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Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”
and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?