Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

*reads list of assassin targets*

“Eggs, milk…what the-”

[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.

Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal

It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out

“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”

Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.

Her: I made us cheeseburgers.

Me: uh oh.

‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”

The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.