walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
You Might Also Like
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”