walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
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The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Who chose this font
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old