Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas

Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder

Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️

Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?

Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!

old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?

inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.

if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie

“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”

*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.

My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.