Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
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One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.