Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going

me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–

King Tut: like a what?

me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum

new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”

My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.

Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.

Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?

Him: I’m an English teacher

Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes

Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”

how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?

1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.

I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares

*walks into interview*

Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.

*walks out of interview*

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.

*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”

Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?

Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!

Perfect

If You Take a Mom to Target:

If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.

Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.

👇

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.

Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.

Computer: *Crashes

Me: *Opens document

Word: You’re not gonna believe this…