walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
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The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
this sign has the same social anxiety i have
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
just having fun
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Not helping
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel