Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…

Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?

Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.

Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.

Me:

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise

As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”

*wakes up due to construction noise*

*tosses and turns all pissed off*

*finally decides to get up*

*construction noise stops*

My mom was right. My face did stay this way.

*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*

Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.

Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?

My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.

My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.

If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.