Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻

1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

(At the dentist)

‘Your grinding isn’t good.’

Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.

Everyone is always doing laundry

*changes name to laundry

Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

Travel bloggers during quarantine

Me: I got a job interview next week.

Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.

Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

Finally

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.

true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.

Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories

Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?