Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone

Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.

Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.

For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.

Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings

4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

Me: That’s an oddly specific question.

4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”

Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.

Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”

– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”

POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going

Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.

So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.

You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.

Chewbacca before you swallowbacca

Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile

8: what did he do?

Ex: what do you think he did?

8: he drove while drinking

Ex: yes

8: AGAIN?!

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.

society: buy a sheet for your mattress

me: ok makes sense

society: then a sheet for that sheet

me:

society: then a blanket for that sheet

me: i think-

society: and a blanket for the blanket

me: you done?

society: oh and 30 pillows

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.

Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.

DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.

me: my friends:

Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.