The worst part about working from home is when your coworkers clog the toilet
*walk up to woman breastfeeding baby* Is this guy bothering you?
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straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Ugly Duckling is my favorite story that teaches kids it’s okay to look weird for a while as long as u get ur act together and become hot.
Christian epileptics don’t appreciate when you tell them “Jesus is the reason for the seizin”
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
I never buy a new couch without first seeing what it looks like with five loads of laundry piled on top of it.
My therapist told me “Write letters to the people you hate, and then burn them.” Did that, but now I don’t know what to do with the letters.