I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
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Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?