@jsaffle1

*walk up to woman breastfeeding baby* Is this guy bothering you?

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@PatsATweetin

The worst part about working from home is when your coworkers clog the toilet

@invalaid

straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!

also straight people:

@_troyjohnson

Ugly Duckling is my favorite story that teaches kids it’s okay to look weird for a while as long as u get ur act together and become hot.

@Sickayduh

Christian epileptics don’t appreciate when you tell them “Jesus is the reason for the seizin”

@MrsTomServo

Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.

Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.

@Bnowaygirl

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

@sixfootcandy

Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?

@Love_bug1016

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

@underchilde

I never buy a new couch without first seeing what it looks like with five loads of laundry piled on top of it.

@LeftOf_Normal

My therapist told me “Write letters to the people you hate, and then burn them.” Did that, but now I don’t know what to do with the letters.