walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
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I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
iPhone X
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Growing out my freckles.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.