walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
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When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I’m the neighbor
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
nothing saves money like being antisocial
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends