walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
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Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
adding to the discourse
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus