Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
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GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.