Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
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what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.