Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.

#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk

I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?

How do you call a meerkat?

C’meerkat.

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday

If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?

You go home because it’s your favorite one being used

Math is easy

Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident

At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.

Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg

I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.

Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*

Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?

Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30

Gucci: What about $200?

Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine

My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”

7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL

There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.