Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
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The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress