Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
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*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Morning my dudes.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
my name if I was in the mob
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Salad is the decaf of food.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.