Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
You Might Also Like
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things