Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
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Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Showerkraut
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
(yawn)
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.