Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”

Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?

Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?

Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.

lmao😭🤣

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.

Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”

Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?

I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔

Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.

Husband: *stands up*

Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.

A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.

[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?

[haunted house]

Me: I’m terrified

Jessica: is it the rattling chairs

Erica: is it the bleeding doors

Sarah: is it the possessed portraits

Kate: is it the shaking coffins

Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before