Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
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Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.