Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
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I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.