Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Siri: Retweet me.

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.

Demon Gary: hi!

Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.

Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?

Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–

Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.

Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.

Me: I hate Asian stereotypes

Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough

[Wizard Starbucks]

Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron

Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!

My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.

surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”

Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.

Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.

The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*

[knock on my front door]

Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?

Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?

Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*

Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows

I finally bought a set of dumbells.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?

Please say 6 weeks.

Glass caskets: will they become popular?

Remains to be seen.

You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.

Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday