walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
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Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
This pepper has seen some $h1t.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Harsh but fair
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”