Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel

Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.

*15th century*

Shaggy: ‘Twas not I

Horrifying if literal: arm candy

I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.

[married convo]

Her: Hey, babe…guess what?

Him: What?

Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.

Him: You need me to do laundry?

I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?

this plan is WAY too aggressive imho

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no

Mornin

Chemical wingman

In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.

Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings

me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit

God I hate condescending assholes!

(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)

Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.

excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though

Me: *in bed with dogs*

*car drives down street*

Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…

‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.