Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
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Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me