Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.

Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled

Her: Please be on your best behavior.

Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.

The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow

PRIEST: *cry laughing

ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk

MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi

pro: having a lovely time visiting canada

con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here

I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too

[1st date]

waiter: can I bring you anything?

her: maybe some Worcestersh–

me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–

her: and the check

As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”

my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:

Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.

[Hydra command meeting]

Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!

Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.

If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.

Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”

Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”

Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?