Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
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COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
I’m a bad bitch. Truly exceptional at being bad at everything.