Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
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Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers