Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
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Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Does beer think about me too?
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!