Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
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Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
When I laugh on my period
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it