Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.

I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”

Me, “*You’re.”

May have lost a new client but they learned something today.

i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]

Me: who do we eat first

knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party

my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger

For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5

Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.

describing stardew valley

Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!

My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.

No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.

Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies

I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.