Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With this onion ring, I thee fed

Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry

airline: you need to pay to check luggage.

passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.

airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?

Me: *googles ‘math’*

RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.

A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”

Me: I prefer the natural look

Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products

the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

waiter: “anything to drink?”

4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”

So, yeah, they’re always listening.

I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.

Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.

wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust

me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”

I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.

Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself

The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.

Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?

We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.

The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.

Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt

Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?

Mugger: no

Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”