Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
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[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.