Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*

The universe is so mysterious

Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)

*gestures to my unmown yard*

“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”

*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*

“This, too, is for the pollinators.”

*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”

“Pollinators.”

Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!

why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics

The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?

me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.

At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips

GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!

ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire

Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !

I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.

I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;

Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class

energy cannot be created nor destroyed