Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
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Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
even bears disappoint their mothers
new career option?
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.