Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
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Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Actually cracking up @ this
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously