Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”

Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .

For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.

Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.

All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.

Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”

BOSS: I have some tough news

INVISIBLE MAN: Go on

BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities

INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week

– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.

If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

Mission control: what’s happening up there??

Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem

Do you smoke after sex?

Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”

“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?

Just me?

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.