Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you, Internet.

Thank you.

Cat.

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos

Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.

My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight

interviewer: how would u describe yourself

me: unemployed

this is how life feels

I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?

[Interview]

“Why’d you leave ur last job?”

My boss felt threatened by me

[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]

Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???

Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.

Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?

CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.

Me: …Oh

Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.

I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien

Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth

*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.

🍛

“Good luck tomorrow.”

* Me confusing a random stranger *

I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.

….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”

saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming