Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”

Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?

Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower

Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier

Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?

Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.

When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.

Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.

How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby

Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.

To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running

A letter home from Burning Man:

“My Dearest Martha:

I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”

Coworker: Do you have any snacks?

Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?

Coworker:

Me: Top desk drawer.

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

Her: I live in Wales.

Me: like Jonah

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.