Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
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Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
TEETH IS INNOCENT
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.