Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
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Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
I wanna be friends with this person
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.