Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
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In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.