Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
You Might Also Like
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
What even happened today?
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.