Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
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A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I feel this so hard
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m giving up ice.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold