It’s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, “I love you” and they’re like, “thank you for choosing Domino’s.”
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
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“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Biden: We need theme music when we walk into a room
Obama: Joe be professional
Biden: STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON, CRAZY MOTHER-
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I compulsively open my refrigerator in hopes that the portal to the other world has opened up.
It hasn’t so I had some cheese.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Dentist: do you floss?
Me: do we have to do this?