Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

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It’s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, “I love you” and they’re like, “thank you for choosing Domino’s.”


“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning


[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first


Biden: We need theme music when we walk into a room

Obama: Joe be professional




Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.


Me: I’m eating for two now.

Him: Oh, are you pregnant?

Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?


I compulsively open my refrigerator in hopes that the portal to the other world has opened up.

It hasn’t so I had some cheese.


Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.



Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too


Dentist: do you floss?

Me: do we have to do this?